Words that weren't Spoken
by BlackRaven
Summary: Starting after Lee takes over the Pegasus. How will the two of them deal with being apart? Is everything really OK between them like Kara asked?This is kind of a dark fic, violence, sex and pain involved.Lot's of angst Chap.8 is finally up! Please Review!
1. Tears and Pain

**How do you know your obsession has reached the point of no return? For me it comes at the moment when I realize that every song I hear causes a new fanfic scene to play out in my head… and I'm very sad to say that I've reached that point with Battlestar Galactica…**

**So, for the sake of my sanity, or what little is left of it, I've decided to just keep on writing and hopefully ride it out until it goes away… this is the result of that decision.**

**This story is what I call a continuous-song-fic, it's a song fic but with multiple chapters, each chapter featuring a different song to go with the plot. I did it once before with my CSI: Miami fic "life by a tune" and it went fairly well so here goes nothing… By the way I just have to let you know (because I found it very amusing) on my computer this story is saved under the title "Galactica greatest hits" (I know it's lame but this is how I amuse myself… I know…. I need help!)**

**This story is set after Captain's hand. I love the scenes in that episode between Starbuck and Apollo - so full of angst. And I just got the feeling that the whole "Kara shot Lee" thing is not over, or shouldn't be over, yet. So this is my attempt and going from there.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own them, wish I did, but no such luck...

* * *

**

**How I wish I could surrender my soul;  
Shed the clothes that become my skin;  
See the fire that burns within my needing.  
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  
How I wish I had screamed out loud,  
Instead I've found no meaning.  
**

She kept going through that conversation in her head. I was like a frakking broken record, driving her to the brink of insanity.

For the outside observer it would all seem fine, a normal conversation with a fairly happy ending - they smiled at each other, they apologized, they hugged in the end… but it wasn't fine.

"_Are we ok?" _

She could hear her own words echo in her mind as she replayed the conversation in her head. Her voice had sounded small, timid even, which is not something that happened to her very often. She knew it was a simple question, maybe even too simple. She knew she should have said something more… something more meaningful. but those 3 words are she had.

He cracked a joke and she wrapped her arms around him. She felt him wrap his arms around her. And she knew that she should have pushed harder, that she should have done more - yelled, screamed, cursed… whatever. But she didn't. She just hugged him, and he just hugged her back.

To the outside observer it would all seem fine.

But she wasn't on the outside and she knew better.

She knew that it didn't matter that he hugged her back, that it didn't matter that he was finally willing to look at her, to joke with her. She knew that as much as things seemed fine - they weren't. Not really.

Because when she asked him if they were ok that day - he never actually gave her an answer. He never actually said Yes.

* * *

**I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.**

He got up from his bed and walked quietly into the other room. He rubbed his eyes and took a eat on the couch, picking up one of the several dozed reports he still had to read for the next day. He hadn't realized before how much paperwork was involved in running a ship.

After a few moments of reading his mind started to wander to everything that happened in the last 3 weeks since he took over the Pegasus. It was hard at first. Most people on board the Pegasus made the same mistake the crew of Galactica made when they first met him - assuming he was nothing more than his father's son. There were a few jokes at first, the crew called him "Commander Junior" behind his back. But it didn't last long. They learned to accept him and he hoped that in time they would also learn to respect him.

He glanced through the open hatch into his bedroom and watched the figure that lay sleeping in his bed. Dee. Ever since he took command of the Pegasus she made it a habit to come on board as often as she could. Whenever she had some time off she would come and spend the night with him. Most people aboard the Pegasus and the Galactica knew about it. But no one said a word. Everyone had lost everything when the cylons attacked - nobody cared anymore about who was frakking who. Nobody had the heart to enforce the fraternization rules and prevent people from finding solace in one another anymore.

And then there was Kara. Part of him missed her - like a hole in the pit of his stomach that couldn't be healed. But the other part of him - the other part of him was glad that she was away. The other part of him knew that if she'd been here he would have to look at her, to talk to her, to be her friend… and for some reason the thought of doing that scared him to death.

**How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;  
Hold memory close at hand,  
Help me understand the years.  
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.  
How I wish I would save my soul.  
I'm so cold from fear.

* * *

**

**I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.**

She sat in her office, the one that used to be his and stared into empty space. She had so much work to do - meetings with the Admiral, flight schedules and CAP rotations and a huge stack of paperwork that kept piling up on her desk. She tried burying herself in her work but she wasn't really the type for it.

It's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks since he took command over the Pegasus and left her alone on the Galactica. It was weird and almost amusing to her that she thought this way - she'd spent 2 years without him on Galactica before the cylons attacked, she never felt alone before. And now, after just a few short month with him aboard she couldn't remember what it was like before he came here.

In the past 3 weeks she hardly ever saw him, she hardly even had a chance to speak to him. She heard his voice through the com once or twice when she was in CIC. They talked once about some training exercises they needed to do for the Pegasus viper pilots. She heard him over the com a few times talking to the pilots when she was on CAP or flying a mission.

But that was it.

It wasn't just all about work. They were friendly towards each other - they both made cracks and jokes about each other when they talked. He place an encouraging arm on her shoulder once when they walked out of an especially painfully boring meeting with the Admiral and the President.

It was all nice and friendly.

She hated nice and friendly.

* * *

The song is of course "Tears and Rain" by James Blunt 


	2. Numb

**Well, this is part two of my song fic. Like I said in the summary - I just realized this story is going to be a little darker then I originally thought. It's going to involve a few scenes that might not be to everyone's liking - I'll consider changing the rating as the story progresses if I see it going in directions that might not be suitable for everyone - but for now I'm only going to give you a little warning - this story will involve some violence, destructive behavior and some sexual content (implied sexual content in the very least)**

**All that said… I really think this is shaping up to be a really good story… but I'm not 100 objective so it's important you let me know what you think! Please Send Reviews!

* * *

**

**I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
**

Kara gazed at the flight rotation board that hung in her office for what seemed like hours, lifting her finger to trace the names written in black marker over the white glossy surface. She brought her cup to her lips and downed the golden brown liquid in a single gulp, hoping the alcohol would make her numb.

Speedle and Bullet.

Bullet was one of the first nuggets she ever trained on Galactica after the cylon attack. He was from Virgo… or maybe it was Sagittarian… she couldn't really remember. Speedle talked a lot and murmured in his sleep - often keeping his bunkmates awake.

They were good men.

Now they were both dead.

Her mind flashed back to the first conversation she had with the old man after he promoted her to CAG.

"I need you to do this Kara. I need you to do this right. You can't go off the beaten path anymore, you're the CAG and you're my leading flight instructor - and I need to be able to count on you to do both jobs!"

He trusted her, and she failed him, and two of her pilots were dead. She took another drink but the alcohol wasn't having the desired numbing affect tonight, at least not yet.

**I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
**

She reached for the bottle again but it broke in her hand. The glass cut into her palm. She looked at the blood pouring from the open cut and found herself transfixed by the red flow, by the way the red drops trickled down and made their way all the way down to her elbow. The cut was deep and she knew she should be crying out in pain - but she didn't feel it. Instead she felt satisfaction, she felt pleasure, she felt relieved.

She picked up another shard of glass and pressed it against her injured palm, breaking the skin and creating a cut just below the one she already had.

Then she leaned back and watched the blood as it came out.

**Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
And every second I waste is more than I can take**

She went through her usual routine, Morning meetings with the Admiral and the XO, Morning noon and evening briefings, going on CAP for 6 hours when her turn came up on rotation, working with the new nuggets, preparing reports and training evaluations at night before she went to bed.

She did her duties. She completed every assignment she was given. **  
**  
**I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you**

But she didn't yell back at Tigh or take a swing at him when he made one of his snide comments. She didn't go to the rec room to drink with the pilots and she didn't join them for a game of Triad. She gave Helo a different excuse everytime he asked her to join him in the gym.

**And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you**

She stopped walking around in nothing but her tanks. She showered late at night when the showers were mostly deserted.

The hands were a problem, she couldn't afford anyone to see it.

But there were other places.

She kept a small knife in the pocket of her pants at all times.

**I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you

* * *

**

The song is of course "Numb" by Linkin Park


	3. Secretly

**Hi all! so this is the third chapter in my song fic... hope you like it. the song is of course one my all time favorites "Secretly" by Skunk Anansie, one of the greatest songs ever in my opinion... please send me reviews and let me know if I should keep going with this...I have so many songs in my head to go with this story...I just want to know that there's a point to writing it, that someone other than me is enjoying this...**

**Anyway... here goes...

* * *

****_I'VE BEEN BIDING MY TIME,  
BEEN SO SUBTLY KIND,_**

"Commander Adama" Kara fell into step next to Lee in the corridor of Galactica as he made his was from CIC to the hanger deck "How was your meeting with the Admiral and the XO?"

"It was fine Lt. Thrace" Lee gave her a small smile "My father tells me you haven't been thrown in the brig in almost 3 weeks now. That must be some kind of record for you…"

For a brief and fleeting moment it felt like old times again - walking down these corridors together, bantering, teasing each other. But he knew he wouldn't be able to fool her for long. Sooner or later she would notice that the smile he gave her never quite reached his eyes, or how his muscles tensed as the sight of her. Sooner or later she would notice, if she hadn't already - and then she would start asking questions - questions he had no answer for.

"Did the old man tell you about the training exercise we have planned for this week? I've gone over the details with your CAG but…"

"Yes, don't worry, I've been fully briefed - the Pegasus will be ready to assist you in any way we can…"

They reached the hanger deck and stood awkwardly in the entrance for a moment.

"Well then…" he finally broke off

"Yeah… your shuttle is waiting…"

He turned around and started walking away when he thought he heard her whisper "Goodbye Lee", but when he turned back, she was no longer there.

**  
_I GOT TO THINK SO SELFISHLY,  
'COS YOU'RE THE FACE INSIDE OF ME._  
**

She managed to hold on to her emotions long enough to make her way back to her office and close the door tightly behind her. She took a few deep breaths as the images flooded her mind. The image of Lee as he fell to the ground after the bullet entered his body merged with the image of him walking away from her just now on the hanger deck. For a moment she almost shot she shot him again - right now, only moments ago.

He hand reached into her pocket and grabbed the small knife, she folded up her shirt and pressed the cold blade to her abdomen. Soon, another red mark joined the numerous others already half healing on her stomach. She kept cutting until she felt the blood flow down her abdomen and the tears trickle down her cheeks.

Only then did the relief come and wash over her.

**  
_I'VE BEEN BIDING MY DAYS,  
YOU SEE EVIDENTLY IT PAYS,_  
**

"What's on your mind Bill?" Tigh asked as he took a seat in front of him in one of the leather sofas in the Admiral's private quarters. He had been watching his old friend all day long - noting a certain look in the man's eyes that was only there at time of great worry or concern. He had been waiting to ask this questions all day long - looking for the right moment to bring it up.

"I'm worried about Kara"

Tigh let out a big sigh. He knew very well how much Bill cared for the young pilot - though he had to admit - he never quite understood it. He knew that Bill considered Kara to be family, but for the life of him he could never understand how the Admiral could turn a blind eye to the girl's insubordinate behavior.

"Well, she seems to be doing fine! She hasn't frakked up yet as far as I can tell… what are you so worried about?" Tigh asked carefully, knowing the subject was touchy.

"I don't know…I can't really put my finger on it yet… just something seems wrong. She doesn't seem…" The Admiral hesitated for a moment "She just doesn't seem like Kara anymore…"

**_I'VE BEEN A FRIEND,  
WITH UNBIASED VIEWS,  
THEN SECRETLY LUST AFTER YOU.  
_**

Lee stood at the CIC of the Pegasus and listened to the transmission as it came in.

"Ok boys and girls, this is it!" Starbuck's voice came over the com, filling the room, and Lee could feel himself tense at the sound of it. He glanced behind him at Dee, serving as a monitor for the exercise on behalf of the Galactica, and she gave him a small smile.

"So this is how it's going to work…we're going to simulate a cylon attack on the fleet" Kara's voice brought Lee back to the present "Think of it as a war game. Pegasus squadron are cylons trying to attack, Galactica squadron - our job is to keep the defenses up long enough to allow the fleet to jump away. Ready! Set! Go!"

"Start the clock!" Lee gave the order and the exercise began. Reports were coming in from all over. 2 down for the pretend cylons… 1 down for the defenders… 1 more down for the defenders… 3 more… The entire room was buzzing with activity, pilot were reporting in, giving their status, confirming their kills…

Suddenly, above all the noise and commotion, he could hear it. That voice.

"It's fine I'm telling you! I know what I'm doing…"

He turned around and looked at the young communication officer who was handling her transmission. "Lt. Starbuck, this is Pegasus actual, I repeat, you're coming too close to the hull - back down, I repeat! Back Down or you're gonna crash into our side!"

"I've got an enemy fighter on my tale! I need to shake him… relax! I know what I'm doing!"

Alarmed, Lee stepped closer to the young officer who quickly showed him what he was talking about on the dradis screen. "the angle she's coming in is way too steep - she'll never be able to pull out in time! She's going to crash right into us!" the officer explained frantically.

Lee quickly grabbed the receiver "Lt. Thrace, this is Commander Adama, I'm giving you a direct order! Back down now! This is just an exercise! Back the frakk down!"

After a moment that seemed like forever he heard her reply "Starbuck, Acknowledge, backing down!"

**  
_SO NOW YOU FEEL RUSTY  
YOU'RE BORED AND BEMUSED.  
YOU WANNA DO SOMEONE ELSE,  
SO YOU SHOULD BE BY YOURSELF,  
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,  
SECRETLY._  
**

"You know you shouldn't be so angry with her…" Dee said quietly as she wrapped her arms around his neck once they were back in his private quarters "She was just doing what she always does…"

"And that's supposed to make it better?" Lee hissed angrily pulling away from her.

"I just don't understand…" Dee gave him a look of confusion "I mean, she does this all the time… she's not even your pilot anymore… so why are you so angry with her?"

**  
_TRYING HARD TO THINK PURE,  
BLOODY HARD WHEN I'M RAW,_  
**

"What the frakk did you think you were doing?" he yelled as soon as he entered her office, not even bothering to shut the door behind him "You could have crashed into the Pegasus! You almost killed us all!"

She sidestepped him and closed the door, then turned back to face him. He expected her to be angry at his outburst, to yell back, to take a swing at him. Instead she was calm, her face a stony mask.

"I knew what I was doing…I could have pulled up from that dive"

"How do you know that?" he kept yelling "Did you even stop to think what would happen if you couldn't succeed?"

She shrugged, which only fueled his anger even further "Of course not! 'cause you never think! Why do I even bother with you?"

"I don't know…" she said quietly, looking straight into his eyes then stretched to attention and gave him a salute, adopting her military tone "Will there be anything else? Sir?"

He simply shook his head in disgust and walked away.

**_YOU'RE TALKING OUT SO SEXUALLY,  
'BOUT BOYS 'N GIRLS AND YOUR FRIGGIN' DREAMS_  
**

She sat down on the cold tiles of the shower, the water had turned cold long ago. At this late hour everyone was already fast asleep and she had the place all to herself.

She trace her finger on the skin of her thigh and felt the scars…if she closed her eyes she could remember the sensation - the blade against her skin, the blood trickling down her leg…she reached out of the stall to her discarded pants. The knife, as always, was in her pocket.

**  
_SO NOW YOU FEEL LUST  
IN YOUR HEART, AND CONFUSED,  
YOU WANNA DO SOMEONE ELSE,  
SO YOU SHOULD BE BY YOURSELF,  
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,_**

He felt her move in her sleep as she snuggled closer to him, and he wrapped his arms tighter around her. He inhaled deeply and his nostrils filled with the scent of her hair. Part of him was glad that Dee had stayed the night, part of him screamed that he wanted to be alone.

He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but the anger was still bubbling inside him. Whenever he closed his eyes the events of the day kept flashing before him and he was back in CIC, listening to the young officer telling Kara to back down, feeling his throat constrict when he saw her viper heading in a collision course with his ship.

He kept his eyes open and stared at the dark ceiling. He knew that if he allowed himself to fall asleep he would see her crash. He would see her die. And he would see her killing him with her in the process.

**_SO NOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED,  
YOU'RE CAUGHT FEELING USED.  
YOU HAD TO DO SOMEONE ELSE,  
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF,  
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,  
SECRETLY._**


	4. Hello

**Hey everyone! I know, I know… I haven't updated in a really really really long time! I was busy graduating from university and traveling for a few months as a present to myself for 4 years and a job well done… I'm truly sorry! **

**But now I'm back and I'll be trying to finish some of my unfinished stories as soon as possible cause I know how much it sucks to have a story just stop in the middle. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter - as always - reviews, thoughts, ideas, criticism and plain old well wishes are very much welcome and appreciated. **

**Oh, and the song this time is "hello" by blackfield.

* * *

**

**Through a different kind of silence**

**I'm waiting, I'm wasting**

**Into the road of silence**

**I'm waking, without you**

He dreamt about her again that night – but then again, he dreamt about her almost every night these days one way or the other.

This dream was new though. He was in his cockpit and there were raiders all around him. He could feel the fear of the battle and the taste of adrenalin was heavy in his mouth. It took a few seconds to realize that for some reason the raiders weren't interested in him. They all seemed to be setting their sights on another viper that was a few feet away from him.

He knew by the sinking feeling of his gut who was the occupant of that viper even before he heard her voice over the com.

She was screaming at him, pleading for help, asking him to save her. Only for some reason – he didn't. He watched himself sit there, not even trying to move to intercept, not firing – just sitting there. He watched as her viper took hit after hit until it exploded into a million pieces.

Her screams of pain rang in his ear for a moment and then there was nothing but silence.

He woke up panting and sat up in his bed with her name on his lips. The silence of his bedroom mirrored the silence in his dream and the thought made him shiver. After a moment he couldn't take it anymore – he pulled on his uniforms and went to CIC. He needed to escape the silence and the constant chatter and static of the CIC seemed like a good idea.

**Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello**

**Is this gonna last?**

**Why don't you come and take me with you?**

She was slipping and she knew it.

The first time wasn't that bad – because it was just Hot dog – and who even listened to Hot dog anyway?. She arrived at the bunkroom after two back to back CAP shifts and 6 hours on the hanger deck helping the chief with the aftermath of one of her nugget's especially nasty landings. She was so tiered she could barely see straight, let along think coherently. That's why when she stepped into the bunk room she satisfied herself with only the split second of a glance to make sure there was no one there. She was half way through changing her cloths and she didn't even hear the curtain to Hot dog's bunk slide open. She did hear the gasp he gave when he saw the markings on her body. She was quick on her feet though – she gave him a cocky grin and gave him some line about rough sex that made him blush slightly.

But she wasn't sure he really believed her.

The second time it was the Chief and Cally – she was doing a maintenance shift on the hanger deck and while she rolled out from under one of the vipers her pants got caught in something sharp and ripped almost in half. The Chief and Cally both snickered for a moment, and she could tell the Chief was about to make some sarcastic comment but when they saw the cuts on her thigh the smiles and funny comments died on their lips. She told them some story about scratching herself on some machinery during a previous shift – but she was almost certain they didn't believe her.

The next time it was Helo – she was running by the gym when he called out to her to come in and help her demonstrate something to his self defense class. She tried to come up with an excuse but he wouldn't hear no for an answer and when he flipped her over and slammed her into the mat her tanks and sweatshirt rode up her midriff and earned her a very concerned look from the best friend she had left in the world. He tried to ask her about it but couldn't because there were a dozen people around them and it really wasn't the time. She had been avoiding him ever since – but she knew she couldn't do that for much longer. She also knew that no matter what lie she decides to tell him – there was no way that Helo was going to believe her.

**And so I know you had to go**

**I'm dreaming of the past**

**An echo of the years we passed through**

He was on Galactica for a meeting with his father when Helo cornered him in one of the halls. As soon as he saw him leaning against the bulkhead waiting for him he knew that it had something to do with Kara. He and Helo were pretty good friends but for the other man to come looking for him specifically could only mean one thing.

He tried to shake him by telling him he was late for the meeting with his father and rushing down the corridor with a determined look on his face, but when he came out of the meeting Helo was there - leaning against the bulkhead again.

"Have you talked to her lately?" Helo asked as he fell in step next to him on the way to the hanger deck.

"Sure Karl" he tried to tell the man what he wanted so the conversation would end as soon as possible "I talk to her all the time"

He hoped that would end the conversation. He didn't want to talk about her, he didn't want to hear about her or worry about her. He wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and not think about her or even know she was out there. The pain was just too much.

"No, Apollo" Helo grabbed his arm and stopped walking "I mean really talk to her"

"Look Helo, I'm busy - I talked to her, she's fine, my father says she's doing a great job - what do you want me to do?"

"I'm worried about her Apollo" Helo insisted and then he proceeded to say the most frightening words Lee had ever heard "I think she's hurting herself"

**Asleep in your arms I'm drifting**

**I'm falling, In sorrow**

**Dead to the world you left me**

**In footsteps, I follow**

He stood at the hatch leading to the bunkroom and watched her. The curtains to her bunk were only half closed and he could see her face clearly through the opening. She was sound asleep but she didn't seem relaxed - even in her sleep she was frowning and tossing - as if she was having a bad dream.

He fought the urge to walk over and shake her awake from her bad dreams but he knew that Kara being awake meant a conversation - and he didn't want to do that.

Instead, true to his military breading, he made a visual assessment of her condition. She looked pale and there were dark circles under her eyes, she seemed to have lost a few pounds. He sighed and left the hatch - moving down the corridor and heading to the shuttle that would take him to the Pegasus.

He assured himself that she was fine. She seemed stressed and tiered but it was the same for him when he first took on the CAG position. The job was stressful, the hours sucked and there was no room for error - it was only rational that Kara would show signs of the pressure she was under.

It was nothing. And anyway - it wasn't his problem.

**Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello**

**Is this gonna last?**

**Why don't you come and take me with you?**

**And so I know you had to go**

**I'm dreaming of the past**

**An echo of the years we passed through**

She knew something was wrong when Helo didn't keep nagging her about the marks he saw on her body back at the gym. Helo was nothing if not persistent and for him to let go of something like that - something had to be wrong.

The thing is - she was beyond relieved that he hadn't mentioned it.

The truth is - she simply didn't have the energy to argue with him.

She leaned back in her chair and tried concentrating on the flight schedule that was sitting on the desk in front of her. The words became blurry and she rubbed her eyes tiredly but the dizziness just wouldn't go away.

She figured it was just because she hadn't had anything to eat and got up to go to the mess when the sirens started blaring and everyone was called to battle stations. She grabbed her gear and rushed down the corridor to the hanger deck. She got into her viper and went through the launch prep in a hurry.

The fight was over quickly - a few raiders and one heavy raider, probably a cylon scouting party. They blew them out of the sky and turned back to make combat landings as the fleet jumped away.

It was only when the adrenalin of the fight started to fade away and she was approaching the deck on her way back, that the dizziness came back with a vengeance.

She barely managed to perform her landing before everything around her went black.


	5. It's been a while

Thank you to everyone who sent a review especiall Uberscribbler - I just loved your post! thank you so much - I meant for this story to be dark and to explore the depths of Starbuck's character and I'm so glad you think I'm on the right trak.

this next chapter is based on the song "It's been a while" by staind - again one of my all time favorites!

As always - Reviews make the chapters come more quickly - food for the muses and so on...

**

* * *

**

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I first saw you  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could call you**

She came to as her body was being lowered from the mangles viper. She could see the medic waiting by the gurney and knew that Doc Cottle wouldn't be far behind. Even trough the haze in her mind she knew that a trip to life-station would raise too many questions – questions she had no intention of answering.

She pushed herself to sit up as soon as they placed her on the gurney, even as the pain and dizziness threatened to knock her out again.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" She mumbled as she saw Helo and Chief Tyrol rush to her side. She leaned on Helo's arm and tried to get to her feet.

"Hold on the 'Buck!" he tried to gently lower her back to the gurney "You took quite a beating. Doc Cottle is on his way!"

"No! I'm really fine!" she insisted, trying again to get up.

From the corner of her eye she could see Doc Cottle rushing to the deck. She knew she was running out of time. Her survival instincts took over and Kara Thrace did what Kara Thrace did best – She lashed out and fought!

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my means**

The people on board Galactica would later tell that they could hear her screaming bloody murder three decks over. Two deck hands who came over to help the poor medic hold her down earned themselves a round trip to life-station.

She screamed and kicked and scratched anything she could lay her hands on.

She didn't notice Doc Cottle behind her until she registered the needle prick in her shoulder as the Doc pumped the sedatives into her.

She kept kicking and screaming until everything went black again.

**And it's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile  
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you**

He told himself that being away from Galactica was good thing. That is gave him the distance he needed to get his life back in order. That being away gave him time to think, to get his feelings and his anger under control.

He even convinced himself that not knowing the everyday happenings on the "bucket" was a good thing – that is gave him clarity now that his mind was no longer cluttered with all that information and gossip on the lives and workings of all the people her cared about.

He was mostly isolated and he managed to convince himself that it was better that way.

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fucked things up again**

That's why he was surprised at the sudden feelings of pain and guilt that he felt when Dee came over that night and casually mentioned that Kara was sent to life station kicking and screaming following a freak out over a bad landing.

He noticed but didn't bother acknowledge the strange look Dee gave him as he got up and ordered the deck to prepare a raptor for immediate departure to Galactica. He kissed her temple and promised he'd be back in a few hours – but he didn't try to explain why he was rushing to Galactica – he wouldn't have been able to even if he tried.

**Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day!**

"So what's wrong with her?" the Admiral asked as soon as Doc Cottle finally stepped out to the waiting room. It had been hours since Starbuck had been brought into life-station and during the time the Admiral had been sitting here, waiting without a word, staring at the walls. He didn't even bother to look surprised when Lee appeared a few hours later and took the seat next to him – joining the silent vigil.

"Well, from that mangled mess of metal that used to be her viper – I'd assume she had a bad landing" Cottle quipped and Lee wanted to strangle the old man for using sarcasm at a time like this.

"Doc…" The Admiral's tone her a warning even as he placed a hand on his son's shoulder, sensing the young man might need to be restrained "She sent two deck hands to get stitches…"

"I can tell you that she had a bad landing, she hit her head. Maybe a little post traumatic stress from the crash – she panicked"

"Starbuck doesn't panic" Lee finally found his voice "and she doesn't have bad landings"

"No she doesn't" Cottle chuckled, figuring he should have known better then to try and sell such an excuse to the Adama men. "I can't be certain, I won't know for sure until she wakes up and I can talk to her. I can tell you that she has a lot of cuts…"

"From the crash?" the Admiral asked in confusion

"No, these cuts are from before…" suddenly Helo's words came crashing down on Lee like a ton of bricks.

Cottle noted that the Admiral still looked confused, but more note worthy was the expression on his son's face – there was shock, anger, sadness – but for some reason there wasn't any trace of surprise.

"She's been hurting herself…" Lee finally managed to mumble.

"I can't be sure but it does look like it" Cottle nodded "The most important thing is – she has sepsis. Her blood is poisoned. I'm pumping her full of antibiotics and steroids and we're going to try to give her transfusions – but if that doesn't help – he organs will start shutting down pretty soon and when that happens there's nothing in the whole fraking universe we can do to help her."

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face  
And it's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste**

He wasn't allowed to see her. No one was allowed in her room after the way she behaved on the flight deck. Admiral's orders given with a special glance over in Lee's direction. Lee had a sinking feeling that his father had done so more to protect Kara than anyone else. But orders were orders nonetheless and all he could do was stand there and look at her through the glass window as she continued her drug induced sleep.

His father needn't have worried about trying to protect Kara from the questions he knew were to come – at least not from him. As much as he wanted to ask her what the frak she thought she was doing, as much as he prayed to hear her deny that she'd been hurting herself, that it had only been a terrible mistake and there was a perfectly valid explanation for the cuts on her body – He knew he'd never have to courage to ask.

Because there was always a chance that she wouldn't deny it. And Lee wasn't sure he would survive if that happened.

**And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me**

**And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry**


	6. Breathing

A/**N **Well, Sorry for the delay in updating this I just didn't have much time to work on it – amazingly enough though, once I sat down to work on this chapter it was unbelievably easy to write – this song just fits so well into the scene that it practically wrote itself. You only have to read the lyrics and it kind of jumps at you!

Also, I didn't plan on it at first, but I've now decided to incorporate a little be of the show's canon into this fic. This was supposed to be a fic exploring Lee and Kara's relationship and that's it – but I'm feeling compelled to add just a little bit of the destiny stuff into it because the show has made it sure a big part of Kara's personality that I fell I'd be neglecting something if I leave it out. But I'm not going to go into it very much – just hint at it every now and again and use it as a tool. I really hope I'm making sense here.

Anyway – the song is "Breathing" by Lifehouse – And as always, reviews not just nice and polite they are an absolute necessity!!!

**I'm finding my way back to sanity again**

**Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there**

**And take a breath and hold on tight**

**Spin around one more time**

**And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace**

She blamed it all on the drugs Doc Cottle was so insistent on pumping her full of. The numbness was great, exactly what the Doctor ordered and what she so desperately craved – but the side-affects left something to be desired.

She was having the dreams again

And not the regular, drug-induced, psychedelic-color-filled dreams that might freak you out a little in the beginning but eventually made you all worm and fuzzy and slightly giggly inside.

These dreams were entirely different. And the most troubling aspect of them – she wasn't even sure she was fully sleeping while she was having them!

She knew where she was, she could see the room around her, all sterile and clean and painted the unmistakable greenish shade of hospitals and life-stations. She could even see the nurses coming in and out of her room – though, she didn't really recognize any of them. But even though she knew where she was – she wasn't really there. She couldn't be. Because the face and the voice that was right beside her had no business there, couldn't be there – and yet he was.

"Just let go Kara" He whispered so close to her ear that she could actually feel his breath on her cheek and the sensation made the hair in the back of her neck stand on end "All the pain, all the misery – that's all you ever had, all your life, that's all you even believed you deserved…"

Her eyes darted from side to side in panic. But the more she saw of her surroundings the more confused she got. She was definitely in life station, she could see Doc Cottle hustling about, she could even see Lee as he stood on the other side of the window and looked at her with so much sadness in his eyes that she thought for a second that she might be dead and this was all some weird after life experience.

Cause if Lee was watching her – how could it be that he didn't come in to help her? How could he not see that Leoben was right here, standing next to her?

**Cause I am hanging on every word you say and **

**Even if you don't want to speak tonight**

**That's alright, alright with me**

**Cause I want nothing more than**

**To sit outside heaven's door**

**And listen you breathing**

**That's where I want to be yeah**

Doc Cottle wouldn't let him in the room to be with her.

He tried to argue, he tried pulling rank (although he wisely waited until his father left to go back to CIC before he tried that one) he tried shouting and throwing tantrums – but nothing helped. The Doc simply announced himself "immune to all your crap" and warned him that another word out of his mouth would only earn him permanent banishment from life-station. "So unless you want to cool your heels back on the Beast and wait until your girlfriend decides to clear some comm time to give you updates on Starbuck's situation – I'd be quiet as a mouse!"

So he stood out side the window and watched. The Doc said she was heavily sedated, but she looked far from relaxed. She wasn't exactly tossing a turning, but her whole body seemed tensed and there was a pained expression on her face that made his heart clench. He couldn't imagine Kara being in pain – even though he knew her whole life had been laced with it. But more than anything, he couldn't bear not being able to do anything about it.

There was no one to fight this time, no one to blame, no toaster to go after with pure indignation and the blood lust of vengeance / retaliation – This time the person responsible for hurting Kara – was Kara – and that thought made Lee feel sick to his stomach and a bad taste to appear in his mouth.

**I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm**

**Trying to identify the voices in my head**

**God which one's you**

**Let me feel one more time what it**

**Feels like to feel and**

**Break these calluses off of me**

**One more time**

"All you have to do is just let go" he whispered in her ear caressing her arm as she lay there, unable to move or do anything to stop him "you've already taken the first step - accepting the pain, realizing that it's just a part of you as flying or breathing, you need the pain – that's why you did this to yourself – because you don't know what it's like to be without it…"

No matter how much she tried to fight it – she had no choice – she was his captive audience and after a while she felt herself slowly being pulled in by his words. She started recalling distant events, reliving them in her mind, letting his voice serve as a guide. Images of her mother floated around her, images of the last time she'd seen her father, faces of the string of men she went through in her teenage years…

She wanted to scream, push him away…

She knew he was manipulating her for his own twisted sense of satisfaction…

And yet, he was also right – pain was a part of her, she was so used to it she didn't know how to live without it.

She closed her eyes and sent out a silent prayer to the gods, asking them for salvation, asking them to make the images stop swirling in her head. She lived through all of these things once – she had no desire to do it again.

Someone must have heard her prayer because she suddenly noticed that she could hear other voices too. Leoben was still talking to her, urging her in the direction of the past, pulling her down with him – but his voice became dim, distant in some way. Other voices were getting in the way. The old man, Doc Cottle, Helo… And Lee.

**Cause I am hanging on every word you say and **

**Even if you don't want to speak tonight**

**That's alright, alright with me**

**Cause I want nothing more than**

**To sit outside heaven's door**

**And listen you breathing**

**That's where I want to be yeah**

He tried to remind himself that at least for now there was nothing he could do – he tore his gaze from the pained expression on her face and focused on her breathing

Breath in….Breath out….Breath in…..Breath out…

As long as she was breathing there was still hope. As long as she was still breathing there was still a chance that she would wake up. As long as she was breathing there was still a chance that they could fix this, that he'd have a chance to talk to her, that he'd have a chance to ask her "why?"

He didn't notice how much time passed, he didn't notice his father or Dee coming over and trying to get him to get something to eat or take a break.

Breath in… Breath out…Breath in….Breath out…. All he had to do was focus on her breathing and everything will be just fine.

**I don't want a thing from you**

**Bet you're tiered of me **

**Waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground**

**Cause I just want to be here now**

After more than 12 hours of standing by that window Doc Cottle finally gave up and let him sit in the room with her saying that him standing in the hall like that was starting to get in the way of the medical staff.

So he was allowed in but he had to promise to adhere to some very strict rules – no touching anything, especially not Kara, no getting too close to her bed – in fact he wasn't really allowed to get out of his chair…

For a while he simply talked to her – telling her mundane stuff, things they used to share once, when they were still friends who shared everything. He told her all the things he'd been dying to tell her for weeks now but couldn't because they were no longer talking or hanging out together or doing anything together for that matter. He talked until her ran out of topics and then began making stuff up… anything to fill up the silence.

After a while exhaustion took him and he fell asleep in his chair mid-sentence.

**Cause I am hanging on every word you say and **

**Even if you don't want to speak tonight**

**That's alright, alright with me**

**Cause I want nothing more than**

**To sit outside heaven's door**

**And listen you breathing**

**That's where I want to be yeah**

The drugs they were keeping her on were probably starting to wear off because she thought this time she was actually really and fully awake. Things around her weren't so blurry anymore and even though she could still Leoben around her, she couldn't see him anymore – which was half a comfort at least.

She turned her head slightly and saw him sitting in that chair, sleeping soundly with his mouth slightly open and a worried expression still on his features.

She thought about waking him – but that would mean that she'd have to talk to him, that she'd have to tell him…

A stray thought passed through her mind – saying that maybe it would be better that way – that maybe if Lee knew… Lee was the one person she knew who always had the answers, always knew what to do, what was the right answer to every situation. Maybe if she told him he'd be able to fix it, to make it go away…

But she couldn't…

Maybe if he'd just wake up and ask her…come at her and demand answers…

Maybe if he'd look at her and be angry and worried, then she'd feel guilty and bad and eventually give up and talk to him…

She kept looking at him sleeping there, hoping he'd wake up any moment and dreading it at the same time. He didn't even steer when a nurse came in and pushed another dose of sedatives into her IV. She let her eyes drift closed and the darkness to take over her.


	7. Dare you to move

**Hello everyone - sorry it took so long to update but life caught up with me and it coudn't be helped. **

**I hope you like this next chapter - and please send reviews!!! I need to know what you readers are thinking!**

* * *

The next time she opened her eyes Lee was already gone, the chair she'd last seen him in was conspicuously empty and the whole room seemed bigger and colder without his presence. Doc Cottle was there, though, and even though she didn't ask he made it a point to tell her that she'd been unconscious for 6 days. She could see by the look in his eyes that he had more to say – and knowing his tendency to speak his mind and hold nothing back she half expected him to lay into her for what he obviously knew she'd done to herself. But he didn't. And if anything – it made her feel even worse as she drifted back to sleep.

The next time she opened her eyes she hoped Lee would be there but instead it was the older Adama occupying that chair and she couldn't bare look at him in the eye now that he knew, now that she'd let him down – so she pretended to be groggy and sleepy and closed her eyes so he'd think she'd fallen asleep again and wouldn't ask her any questions.

The time after that it was Helo. She didn't bother faking being asleep with him – after so many years sleeping in the same bunkroom he knew her sleeping patterns well enough to call her on it if she try to fake it. Instead, she rolled over and faced away from him, and when he tried calling her name or drawing her attention she simply ignored him. After a while he got the hint and gave up trying. She knew it wouldn't hold him at bay for long but she figured she could drag out the silent treatment for a few more days in the least.

Then it was Cally or Hot dog and then Adama again… it seemed like every time she woke up there was a different face by her bed. It seemed like news of her illness spread through the ship like every piece of good gossip eventually did – and she cringed at the thought of what people were probably saying about her.

**Everybody's watching you now  
Everybody waits for you now  
What happens next  
What happens next**

6 days was a long time.

Too long.

Sitting there every day and every night by her bad while she was unconscious, doing nothing, having no one to talk to – gave him time to think. Gave him time to reflect.

After the initial bout of anger waved off he could admit to himself that he wasn't really all that surprised. Kara had more self destructive tendencies than anyone he's ever known. It was really just a matter of time before she graduated from stupid, unintentional frak-ups to full blown deliberate self destruction.

He'd always known that it was a possibility.

But than again, he'd always thought that if and when that ever happened he'd be there – that he'd be the first one to notice it and stop her, that he'd be the first one she'd come talk to about it, that he'd be the one to get her back on her feet again.

But that line of thought only made him angry all over again.

Angry at himself for letting her down, for not watching her more closely. Angry at her for not coming to him with her problems, Angry at her for making him always be the one that has to clean up her mess and pick up the pieces.

He had all that anger, it was driving him crazy especially since he didn't really know which one of all these things made him most angry. He sat there for 6 days and 6 nights, letting the anger just simmer under the surface with no one to take it out on. And the last thing he wanted was to take it out on Kara. She had enough to worry about.

This is why he made sure he wasn't there when she finally got better and woke up. Why he only came by life station at night when he was sure she'd be asleep and stayed in the shadows so the nursed wouldn't notice him and tell her about it.

It was better that way – he kept telling himself – she doesn't need to explain anything to him right now, she shouldn't have to deal with his anger right now.

It was better.

**I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before**

She was all better – or at least that's what Doc Cottle told her. Her wounds were healed, the infection was gone – he was giving her a clean bill of health. Physically at least.

He was still keeping her in life station pending a full psych evaluation – which she had no intention of ever completing. She was free to go out and walk around if she wanted to – but she didn't.

She was free to go to the mess and hang out with her friends – but she didn't want to.

The one time Helo practically dragged her out of life station for a "walk around the block" as he called it – she had half a mind to start digging a hole for herself right there in the corridor – that's how much she couldn't bare the weight of the stares and strange looks she got from everyone that happened to be in their path.

The first few days she still hoped Lee would show up. That something happened on the Pegasus that just couldn't be helped and that he'd be back, telling her how sorry he was that he hadn't been there.

But after a while she realized he wasn't coming.

The next time Helo tried to get her to come she just turned around and faced the wall until his shift started and he had to leave. When Doc Cottle physically pushed her out of bed and ordered her to "get out of his hair for a few hours before he finishes the job she started and kills her" she snuck into Sharon's detention cell and the two of them simply sat there and stared at each other in comfortable silence. She went back there a few times after that.

She told Doc Cottle she went to the mess or the rec-room.

**Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be  
**

"So how long do we plan on sitting here and saying nothing?" Sharon's voice was so unexpected that she almost fell backwards in her chair from the shock of hearing it. She's been coming here for almost two weeks now. Sneaking in here instead of going and spending time with the rest of the crew, enjoying the silence and lying Cottle about where she's been. And it seemed like that was now over. Her stubbornness kicking in, she glared at Sharon and got to her feet – intending to leave when the cylon's words stopped her.

"Not that I mind! I could keep the silence thing going on for as long as you like – I was just checking…."

She turned to face Sharon and saw a smirk on the other woman's face. For the first time it hit her how ridicules the whole situation had been. And for the first time – she laughed. She laughed so hard her sides ached. She laughed so hard tears were streaming down her cheeks.

But then the laughter turned to sobs and the tears became real and she crumpled to Sharon's cot with her face hidden in the palms of her hands.

When she calmed down again the two of them continued their silence.

**Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?  
Salvation is here  
**

He stayed away – just like he swore to himself that he would. Even though it was tearing him apart not being there for her - He stayed away. His father was angry and disappointed, Dee didn't say anything but deep down he knew she must be a little relieved. Helo kept sending him angry glares from across the room but the rank and his last name kept him from getting in his face about it.

Strangely enough when the kink in the shin he so desperately needed finally came – it was from the least expected direction.

His father sent him down to the brig to talk to the cylon about some tactical data they needed before jumping to the next system. As soon as he walked in Sharon gave him a death glare and refused to cooperate – which was new considering she given them anything the wanted before.

"What's your problem today?" He finally asked her after the fifth snarky comment that had nothing to do with the question he just presented her with.

"My problem? My problem is that if you're trying to kill her you should just pick up your side arm and shoot her – take her out of her misery. It might be messier – but it would get the job done just as well as what you're doing now!"

He didn't need to ask her who she was talking about.

**I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before**

* * *

A/N I just had to bring Sharon into this - the relationship between Kara and Sharon, especially when she was still being held in that cell, just has so much potential... and I just couldn't let Lee fix everything right away now could I? that whould have been way too easy and I'm an evil evil person who likes to see her characters suffer!!! Ha Ha Ha! (insert evil laugh here)

* * *

I had to repost this chapter because I suddenly found out that the entire first verse of the song somehow vanished when I uploaded the chapter... so here it is again - this time the complete version!


	8. Breathe

**After a very long hiatus – I'm back! This chapter is kind of a transitional chapter and it's designed to set the stage for the second part of this story with is of course the great and much expected Kara/Lee face off so stay tuned and send me your reviews and I promise to try and update somewhat regularly from now on!**

**Oh, and the song of course is Breathe by Anna Nalick **

* * *

**2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,**

**"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,**

**I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"**

**Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes**

**Like they have any right at all to criticize,**

**Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason**

She went to visit Sharon in her cell again – mostly because she didn't have anywhere else to go. Doc Cottle was just about a breath away from kicking her out of life station for good and everywhere else she went people kept sneaking weird glances her way, like she suddenly grew a second head or something.

The first half hour was spent much the same way as always – staring at each other in utter silence. Sharon kept humming and tapping her fingers against the railing of her bed, looking carefree and un-bothered – but Kara knew it was an act.

It was just a show designed to piss Kara off and get a rise out of her. Problem was, in her already fragile state of nerves, it was actually working.

"So…" Kara finally said, figuring that even though she might be caving, she wasn't about to give Sharon anything more than she had to. If the cylon wanted to get something out of her she's going to have to work harder that that.

"So have you talked to Lee lately?" Sharon's smile resembled that of a cat, having just swallowed the canary.

Kara almost cursed her choice of tactics. Playing hardball might be a good way to go on several occasions; unfortunately, Sharon knew how to play hardball just as well as Kara.

**'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable**

**And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table**

**No one can find the rewind button, girl.**

**So cradle your head in your hands**

**And breathe... just breathe,**

**Oh breathe, just breathe**

"Now why would you ask me about Lee?" Kara tried to look and sound innocent but frankly, she didn't really have an innocent bone in her body.

"I don't know…" Sharon's coy smile grew even wider and the evil glint in her eye was unmistakable "Maybe because when it comes to Starbuck, everything has something to do with Apollo"

"You're not Boomer, you don't know anything about me…"

"I have Boomer's memories, and even if I didn't, all it takes is two minutes around you two to see it. Don't change the subject."

"Why would you think any of this has anything to do with Lee?" Kara tried again. "Lee is my friend, we have a history, I wouldn't expect a machine like you to understand something like that…"

"History? You mean Zak?" Sharon ignored the machine comment and plowed right ahead. She knew Starbuck's idea of a good defense was a great offense, the fact that she was using it was just telling Sharon that they were getting close to the truth "Come on Starbuck, this has nothing to do with Zak. Zak's dead, the world as you know it is dead, this is about you and Apollo… and by the way, if Lee is such a good friend, what are you doing sitting here talking to me? Why aren't you talking to Lee instead?"

For once the great Starbuck couldn't come up with any clever comebacks.

**May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss**

**"Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist,**

**"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."**

**Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,**

**But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,**

**Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.**

It happened while she was on her way back to life station, having practically fled Sharon's cell. The alarms started blaring and the ship-wide call for battle stations started sounding.

Everywhere around her people started running to their posts. Acting on pure instinct she found herself running too, heading for the hanger deck for her viper. It was only when she reached her destination, when she saw the commotion, the viper engines starting with a loud roar, the pilots yelling their pre-flight check lists to the deck crew – only then did she realize she no linger had a place being there.

She was grounded, she couldn't go out there and fight, she couldn't do anything really. Instead, she sneaked up the catwalk overlooking the hanger deck and crouched in a corner to avoid being seen.

She sat there and listened. Usually during attacks the pilot's communication was broadcasted on the hanger deck, that way the deck crew could know what birds were hit or had mechanical problems so they could prepare. She heard the pilots reporting their kills, whooping with joy after every successful hit. She listened to their calls of distress when the got hit and how their transmission was suddenly cut off when their blown out of the sky.

She stayed rooted in her spot on the catwalk well after the attack was over and Galactica and the fleet jumped to safety, after she watched her friends bring back their vipers, some of them smoking and mangled, after the wounded were lowered from the rescue Raptors and rushed to life station for treatment.

She couldn't remember when it happened, but when she finally got up to leave she realized she'd been crying.

**There's a light at each end of this tunnel,**

**You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out**

**And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again**

**If you only try turning around.**

Later she couldn't remember how she didn't, like she'd been working on autopilot. She stayed in the shadows on the hanger deck and waited until she heard Chief Tyrol telling one of his deck hands to prep a raptor for a trip to the Pegasus, then snuck on board.

An hour later she was aimlessly roaming the halls of the Pegasus. She didn't have a plan, she didn't have an clue what she wanted to do, she just let her feet carry her.

She rounded a corner near the Captain's corner and stopped right in her tracks when she saw them. They were standing at the hatch to his quarters, close, their heads bent together in a quiet conversation. Lee and Dee. The situation looked private, it looked intimate, it looked like she had no business interrupting them.

Everything in her body told her to turn around and get out of there, to find a quiet place a knife and a bottle of Ambrosia and make herself numb again.

Even as Sharon's words kept echoing in her head, even though she knew the old stubborn Starbuck would have never backed down from a fight no matter how hopeless or foolish, She turned around and ran.

**2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song**

**If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,**

**Threatening the life it belongs to**

**And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd**

**Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud**

**And I know that you'll use them, however you want to**

**But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,**

**And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table**

**No one can find the rewind button now**

**Sing it if you understand.**

**and breathe, just breathe**

**woah breathe, just breathe,**

**Oh breathe, just breathe,**

**Oh breathe, just breathe.**

* * *

Please please please send reviews! Hit that purple button - it's that easy!!


End file.
